Dialogue on Sex between Amaranatho (Celibate Buddhist monk) and Debbie (trainee Jewish Rabbi)

Debbie
Dear Amaranatho, I reckon you'd make a pretty cool dad, how do you feel about giving all that up?

Amaranatho

I think I've made decision about using what it means to be father. When I run the family camp, I can be father to many people. Sometimes even people older than me. I'm also not sure that I gave it up, I think I've made it more universal...

Debbie

that's a really cool answer - and similar to one an Indian Catholic Priest gave me once. Though I've wanted kids ever since I can remember so it's also hard to relate to, especially as Judaism is so in favour of family etc.

So what about the physical side of things? Don't you miss cuddling up to a warm body at night? and how do you cope with all that sexual energy that must be there somewhere?

Amaranatho
Sometime I miss it so badly, it makes me sick. Sometime the energy is so strong that you think you're going to run outside the monastery have sex with the first woman you see. But if you stay with it, you notice it changes. You learn to transform that energy into unconditional love, into the fuel for transformation of one small self to something beyond that.
To be honest I have teddy bear as well. And sometime you can get the same affection from men, and then it gets all blurry about what it is. Then you start to contemplate about what is this feeling, what is this energy.

I think though that in Judaism they also treat sexual energy with respect.

Debbie
yes, i think Judaism does respect spiritual energy, and while allowing it physical expression - even encouraging, it does put limits on it and in some traditions channels it into spirituality. I think the creative power of sex has something very divine about it, and it also seems that we wouldn't be given a sex drive if we weren't supposed to use it - the question is of how to use it well...

Are there lots of guidelines on how to transform the energy into universal love?

Amaranatho
I think thats right about sex drive that we were given it for a purpose but we dont take the investigation far enough to see what it is. The abbot here always talks about sexual energy and understanding that its natural. But there are also exercise to do, to make sure that you circulate the sexual energy. Most of these exercise relate to chi kung, yoga, ta chi.

Debbie
it's strange that something you refrain from gets so much coverage - I suppose we are all obsessed :)

Amaranatho

I think it because sexual energy and sex is central to the way we are and finding our freedom comes thru understanding this. Sex can be obsession if we dont reflect on it. And a way of reflecting on it, is to abstain, its not the only way.

Debbbie
Does abstaining from sex have any other results, other than helping you reflect on sex itself? Why is it a monastic ideal? Does tantra ever come into it?

Amaranatho
Personal I've found refraining from sex gives you a tremendous amount of energy. Living in a mixed community, its very interesting explore relationship and intimacy, without the sexual involvement. The rules are very clear for monastics, so it helps.
Tantra usually does not happen within in monastic tradition. I remember hearing somewhere that the Dali Lama says you cant practise tantra until you can eat you own shit and not have a opinion about it. Tantra as I understand it does involve ejaculation, so it goes up to that point and then to recognise oneness. To recognise no boundaries, the sense where me and you meet without opinion or view or thought.

Where is me and you right now.

Debbbie
so are you ultimately trying to remove the sexual element between you and I so we can meet without that complicating things, or so that our ego's are lessened?
I often wonder about very segregated communities which try to avoid sexual encounter between the sexes on a daily basis (not acknowledging gay activity usually) and wondering if that doesn't just further sexualise people?
But I also worry about the extent to which we are bombarded with sexual imagery all the time, and often how we dress is to do with what is 'sexy' and showing the most off, and we are sexualised at a younger and younger age - I'm not saying at all that I was an innocent virginal teen, but younger and younger kids seem to be dressing almost like porn stars do... (Ariel Levi is very good on this in 'Female Chauvenist Pigs'.)
It is strange how sex creeps into relationships without one noticing - i certainly noticed a few years ago that there was very different sexual politics and behaviour between me and my male vs female friends. Do you think you're trying to avoid that? I think it's a shame that relationships so easily become about sex. I have some very close male friends that I don't have any sexual relationship with and never have, but have shared a bed with and am very physically close with, and I know my husband finds that very hard to deal with cos he can't understand how that happens and there's no sex involved (he assumes there must be). Do you think it's possible for men and women to be just friends? (As they famously ask in When Harry Met Sally)